When I started this blog I wanted to be an outlet for me. Writing has always been a stress reliever. It is also my way of supporting those who suffer with depression, anxiety, panic disorder, addiction, etc. Sometimes all a person needs is to know is they are not alone or crazy! I’ve been there. Realizing others experience similar feelings & symptoms gave me validation. It was a little glimmer of light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel.
A big part of what brings on depression for me is pretending everything is “fine” when I really feel like crap. Agreeing when I really don’t. Saying “yes” when I really want to say “no.” Over 40 years of that took its toll in October of 2006 when I suffered a breakdown, or medically speaking, a major depressive episode. A combination of suppressed feelings, not setting personal boundaries, guilt and shame plus a family history of depression set the perfect stage for depression in my life.
Now comes the big secret. I had an abortion when I was 21 yeas old. I recently decided to tell my brothers and sisters. It’s hard to believe I’ve kept this secret for nearly 30 years. As I suspected, they all love me just the same as they did before I told them. Many of my nieces and nephews know now. My heart aches thinking they might be disappointed in me. After all, I was the perfect child. I have an image to keep up.
God forgave me the moment I asked His forgiveness. All the years I tortured myself with guilt and shame, I was dishonoring Him. Jesus Chris suffered and died on a cross for my salvation. Would I change my decision if I had the opportunity. You bet I would. I would give up everything I have in my life right now if I would take back that one awful decision of ending my pregnancy. More work is needed to complete my healing process.
I am writing this particular post to help anyone who has a secret they think will destroy them if it is revealed. I’m not saying you have to reveal it. I’m saying you have to move on from that secret! It does not define you. Just like your mental affliction or addiction does not define you. It is a part of you, yes. But it is not the ONLY part of you. Find hope and meaning in other areas of your life.
Revealing my secret has given me a sense of peace. I’m looking forward to learning more about what the bible teaches about forgiveness. My hope and prayer is that this story helps just one person in some small way. My blessings are many. I want to pass them on to anyone who will listen.